Melinda Tankard Reist as published on ABC Religion and Ethics
"[I want] better education regarding sex for both boys and girls [and] information about pornography, and the way it influences harmful sexual practices."
These are the words of Lucy, aged 15, one of 600 young Australian women and girls who took part in a just-released survey commissioned by Plan Australia and Our Watch. The survey, conducted by Ipsos, gathered responses from the girls and young women aged 15-19 in all states and territories.
In the survey report, entitled Don't send me that pic, participants reported that online sexual abuse and harassment were endemic. More than 80% said it was unacceptable for boyfriends to request naked images.
Sexual bullying and harassment are part of daily life for many girls. Young people are speaking out more and more about how these practices have links with pornography - and so they should, because they have most to lose.
Pornography is moulding and conditioning the sexual behaviours and attitudes of boys, and girls are being left without the resources to deal with these porn-saturated boys.
My own engagement with young women over the last few years in schools around Australia, confirms that we are conducting a pornographic experiment on young people - an assault on their healthy sexual development.
If there are still any questions about whether porn has an impact on young people's sexual attitudes and behaviours, perhaps it's time to listen to young people themselves. Girls and young women describe boys pressuring them to provide acts inspired by the porn they consume routinely. Girls tell of being expected to put up with things they don't enjoy.
Some see sex only in terms of performance, where what counts most is the boy enjoying it. I asked a 15-year-old about her first sexual experience. She replied: "I think my body looked OK. He seemed to enjoy it". Many girls seem cut off from their own sense of pleasure or intimacy. That he enjoyed it is the main thing. Girls and young women are under a lot of pressure to give boys and men what they want, to adopt pornified roles and behaviours, with their bodies being merely sex aids. Growing up in a pornified landscape, girls learn that they are service stations for male gratification and pleasure.
Asked "How do you know a guy likes you?," a Year 8 replied: "He still wants to talk to you after you suck him off." A male high school student said to a girl: "If you suck my dick I'll give you a kiss." Girls are expected to provide sex acts for tokens of affection. A 15-year-old told me she didn't enjoy sex at all, but that getting it out of the way quickly was the only way her boyfriend would settle down and watch a movie with her.
I'm increasingly seeing Year 7 girls who seek help on what to do about requests for naked images. Being asked "send me a picture of your tits" is an almost daily occurrence for many. "How do I say 'no' without hurting his feelings"? girls ask.
As the Plan Australia/Our Watch report found, girls are tired of being pressured for images they don't want to send, but they seem resigned to how normal the practice has become. Boys use the images as a form of currency, to swap and share and to use to humiliate girls publicly.
Year 7 girls ask me questions about bondage and S&M. Many of them had seen 50 Shades of Grey (which was released on Valentine's Day). They ask, if he wants to hit me, tie me up and stalk me, does that mean he loves me? Girls are putting up with demeaning and disrespectful behaviours, and thereby internalizing pornography's messages about their submissive role.
I meet girls who describe being groped in the school yard, girls routinely sexually harassed at school or on the school bus on the way home. They tell me boys act like they are entitled to girls' bodies. Defenders of porn often say that it provides sex education. And it does: it teaches even very young boys that women and girls are always up for it. "No" in fact means yes, or persuade me.
Girls describe being ranked at school on their bodies, and are sometimes compared to the bodies of porn stars. They know they can't compete, but that doesn't stop them thinking they have to. Requests for labiaplasty havetripled in a little over a decade among young women aged 15-24. Girls who don't undergo porn-inspired "Brazilian" waxing are often considered ugly or ungroomed (by boys as well as by other girls).
Some girls suffer physical injury from porn-inspired sexual acts, including anal sex. The director of a domestic violence centre on the Gold Coast wrote to me a couple of years ago about the increase in porn-related injuries to girls aged 14 and up, from acts including torture:
"In the past few years we have had a huge increase in intimate partner rape of women from 14 to 80+. The biggest common denominator is consumption of porn by the offender. With offenders not able to differentiate between fantasy and reality, believing women are 'up for it' 24/7, ascribing to the myth that 'no means yes and yes means anal', oblivious to injuries caused and never ever considering consent. We have seen a huge increase in deprivation of liberty, physical injuries, torture, drugging, filming and sharing footage without consent."
The Australian Psychological Society estimates that adolescent boys are responsible for around 20% of rapes of adult women and between 30% and 50% of all reported sexual assaults of children. Just last week , Emeritus Professor Freda Briggs argued that online pornography is turning children into copycat sexual predators - acting out on other children what they are seeing in porn.
A 2012 review of research on "The Impact of Internet Pornography on Adolescents" found that adolescent consumption of Internet pornography was linked to attitudinal changes, including acceptance of male dominance and female submission as the primary sexual paradigm, with women viewed as "sexual playthings eager to fulfil male sexual desires." The authors found that "adolescents who are intentionally exposed to violent sexually explicit material were six times more likely to be sexually aggressive than those who were not exposed."
I have asked girls what messages they might like me to pass on to boys. So far, these messages include: "Stop telling us we are wet," "Stop commenting on our bodies," "Stop demanding pictures," "Rape jokes are never funny" and "Sex before the age of consent is illegal."
The proliferation and globalisation of hypersexualised imagery and pornographic themes makes healthy sexual exploration almost impossible. Sexual conquest and domination are untempered by the bounds of respect, intimacy and authentic human connection. Young people are not learning about intimacy, friendship and love, but about cruelty and humiliation. As a recent study found:
"online mainstream pornography overwhelmingly centered on acts of violence and degradation toward women, the sexual behaviors exemplified in pornography skew away from intimacy and tenderness and typify patriarchal constructions of masculinity and femininity."
It is intimacy and tenderness that so many girls and young women say they are looking for. A young woman told me that on dating sites she lists under "fetish" wanting to stare longingly into someone's eyes and to take sex slow. She said if she didn't put these desires in the "fetish" category, they wouldn't warrant a second glance.
But how will young women find these sensual, slow-burn experiences in men indoctrinated by pornography? Psychologist Philip Zimbardo says of young men: "They don't know the language of face to face contact ... Constant arousal, change, novelty excitement makes them out of sync with slow developing relationships - relationships which build slowly."
It is wrong to leave sexual formation in the hands of the global sex industry. We need to do more to help young people stand up against warped notions of sexuality conveyed in pornography.
Fortunately, the ill-effects of the pornographic experiment on relationships and sexuality are being named out loud. A groundbreaking Australia-first symposium on the issue was held at UNSW last month, to a standing room crowd, and a current Senate inquiry is gathering evidence of the distorting harmful impacts of porn on our young people.
Most importantly, it's young people themselves demanding change. Josie, 18, is quoted in the Plan Australia/Our Watch report:
"We need some sort of crack down on the violent pornography that is currently accessible to boys and men. This violent pornography should be illegal to make or view in Australia as we clearly have a problem with violence and boys are watching a lot of pornography which can be very violent ... This is influencing men's attitude towards women and what they think is acceptable. Violent pornography is infiltrating Australian relationships."
Girls like Lucy and Josie deserve our response.
As published here on ABC Religion and Ethics
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Uhhh. Boyfriends? Like the person you are dating…? THIS is the point and reason guys are dating you. Are you that fucking stupid? LOL No means No that is true. But If you are dating someone there is an expectation of entertaining their sexual desires. THATS the point of dating. If you think otherwise you should NOT be dating. You have NO right to date. Lol.
Absolutely ridicules.
I for one have always done my best to be considerate of women’s wants and desires and not pressuring them. Having platonic female friends. Taking “no” for an answer. Never going farther than they want and so on. And ya know what people tell me? “You should be more aggressive.” “take control” and stuff of that nature.
Sometimes you hear men and women talking about “Alpha males” and “Beta males” which leaves men who are considerate of women’s feelings and categorized as being lesser than men who are not. How do you expect that to affect young men?
That’s culture telling young boys “Be aggressive or you’ll be seen as weak and undesirable”
Of course such talk never swayed me but I’ve always been more resistant of peer pressure than most and there is definitely a LOT of pressure on boys/men in that area. I have definitely experienced it first hand.
You won’t fix that by putting limits on porn. You’ll have to change mainstream culture and media to fix it. Have more media showing the considerate guy getting the girl. Show his virtues. Show them as desirable to the women in the story. Children see that stuff. THAT is how you fix it.
To start negative, I watch porn often as I do not meet many girls to have a relationship with as I do not drink, smoke and find a deep connection very important, which does not happen often these days. But of course women are beautiful, so …
A thing happened with an 18yo a year ago (I was 51) and I honestly did not understand what on earth she was saying. I did not get the depth, but let her express herself as she wanted and I was holding way back because I wanted to be sure she wanted to be there. As it turned out, she was waiting for the signal from me. So weird.
There is no way I would do anything that I see in porn with a women. String, sure, Intense, totally, but my joy is to get her off. I find that many women do not find this masculine. But anyway, this is the type of man I am and I am not going to change it.
The point is why are so many beautiful women doing porn in such brutal ways? Event he men are not a standard I could compete with. Let’s face it, to express oneself sexually is the greatest thing we can ever achieve, but you have to have a self!
I think this is the problem. We externalise our identity in roles, and for some reason, we are STILL taking away the power of women. BUT WHERE DO THESE WOMEN IN PORN COME FROM? Why are things like this being shot? It’s all over the top for me, as I am more interested in seeing the beauty of the women really enjoy themselves.
Anyway, its not to protect people from porn in the same way we do with smoking, it is why is it shot this way in the first place? Where does this disempowerment come from? This has to be addressed. To take out the idolisation of it. That’s the problem.
Hope that helps.
and I am interested in finding out whether you have more assistance to offer on the matter in the following regard:
How do we help young boys and men to get off porn. So lets say they are keen to stop watching porn but are struggling to stop how does one go about helping them get off porn?
And regardless of your own belief, it out performs anything a woman today can offer. And it doesn’t argue back :)
Thanks for the great advice and motivation, It has made us much happier.
Men are now going MGTOW.
I consistently read articles that seem like rally cries for the public to support a cause. We’re pointing fingers, researching and funding problems, while offering solutions that urge people to stand together only for the sake of standing against an opposition. This is a negative response to a negative situation.
The only solution offered here is an anti porn t-shirt, and why waste our energy battling a $92 billion a year industry before looking at the problem from all angles. These hormone riddled boys may be confused about their newly discovered sexuality and are likely more experienced showing their aggressive side than their tender side. In today’s society that’s no surprise. Fear, violence and sexual glamorization are practically everywhere, and don’t forget the fact that mommy and daddy probably have a box full of toys under their bed and are likely also porn consumers, if they’re still together that is.
People have been fighting for sexual acceptance and liberation of all kinds for a long time so lets embrace the fact that society no longer falls inline with the classical view of ‘normal’.
Instead of offering fear and outrage as a solution while making the subject out to be a problem, lets find, fund, and research ways of teaching people how to, not only act with, but truly feel respect and love for one another.
And no, ladies…. Provacative dress does NOT justify rape because rape is not a product of lust – it is a product of hatred.
Pornography is not evil, if it was we would equally have to say that alcohol, gambling etc is too.
The issue is that the technology (smart phones, iPads etc) that we often blindly put into the hands of children provides instant access to information on a vast scale………pornography happens to be one such source that all the research says creates a distorted perspective of sexuality that in the main objectifies women, and separates sex from love.
Dr Sue Johnson, clinical psychologist and Professor at Alliant International University in San Diego, in her book “Love Sense” (2013), eloquently describes three different attachment styles that we bring to relationships……Secure, Anxious and Avoidant.
Her research describes “those of us who are avoidant, that is, uncomfortable with emotional closeness and dependence on others, are more likely to have what I term ‘sealed-off’ sex. Sex is self centred and self affirming, a performance aimed at climax and confirming one’s own sexual skill. Technique is prized; openness and vulnerability shunned. Because pleasure without emotional engagement is shallow and fleeting, this kind of sex needs continual boosting to be thrilling”.
“Sealed-off sex is most common among heterosexual men (The quintessential practitioner is James Bond)…….”
“Disturbingly, this type of sex may be increasing because of the wide spread of Internet porn. Youngsters who troll websites are learning about performance and sensation, but not about emotional connection”.
Dr Johnson goes on to comment “Sealed-ff sex is one-dimensional and leaves both partners dissociated. It undermines emotional bonds”.
As a relationship counsellor in private practice, I believe the ultimate responsibility rests with both men and women as responsible parents to be mindful of modelling to children what healthy, loving relationships actually look like. Men in particular need to step up and represent a healthy model of masculinity that portrays creativity, tenderness, protectiveness, nurturing, vulnerability and assertiveness that engenders respect, trust and security in their partners, sons and daughters.
It is widely known that children from the age of 8YO are exposed to porn, and from this age, the seeds of creating a distorted perception of sexual relationships is planted. Just imagine the flow-on effect for generations to come on the core values that form the foundations of relationships and family life.
The question remains what steps are we as responsible adults willing to take to protect and preserve the innocence of children until they have the maturity to exercise discernment in how they choose to relate and express their sexuality in healthy, sustainable ways that fosters the deepening of their emotional bonds and connection in their intimate relationships throughout their lives.